I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Randomize
