I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
