nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
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