I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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