I faked an abortion last night.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
