Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
