Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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