I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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