I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
