the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
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