Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
