i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
