we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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