My nipple is on Facebook.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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