you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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