overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
