just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
