An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
