I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
