Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
