How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I need water and some morals
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
