i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
