I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I want her autograph on my taint
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
