god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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