At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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