i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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