Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
