You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
