dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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