Can Purell be used as lube?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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