When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
