Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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