I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
