Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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