just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
how does that bad decision feel?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
