You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
