I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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