Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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