I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
