it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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