so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
