Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
