Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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