I have demons in me.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
