Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
