Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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