i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
