part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
