Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
