i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
