i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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