those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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