so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
