Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
