he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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