am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
