Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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